Those of you running a nonprofit know the challenge of balancing the gender biases of how you ‘should’ act with the pressure of making the tough decisions.

It is lonely and tough work for women in leadership roles.

There is the work itself, the importance of being effective while remaining likable to all of your various constituencies.,

You know those times when you have to act, you know what your knowledge and instincts tell you to do–but then you have to put it through the lens of how that action will be received.

Will you be seen as too aggressive? Not nice? Too cut-throat?

How can you be an authentic leader, true to your instincts, when you feel you have to wrap everything in a bow of smiles and warmth?

Can you be a decisive leader while still being seen as ‘nice’ and ‘likable?

Today’s podcast will explore the ‘likability dilemma’ as it applies to nonprofit women leaders.

You can find the full episode at relishyourrole.com/21

America Ferra was right

It is a myth that the nonprofit sector is more self-aware and better equipped to challenge societal power imbalances.

The racial, gender and class power structures at work in the wider world are also on display in the nonprofit sector.

Women currently make up less than half of the leadership of nonprofit sector but over three quarters of the workforce.

The proportion of men in management roles in the nonprofit sector increases as the budget size of the organization increases.

As women nonprofit leaders, we start out behind the eight ball. 

But you know how hard you worked to get to the leadership role at your organization.

You are also acutely aware of the importance of the work you do.

But you may be leading an organization where the value of its work is minimized by the larger society.

Your leadership has this invisible asterisk around it — after all it is only a nonprofit!

And as the final set of handcuffs, you are expected to lead in a way which conforms to gender stereotypes and by that, I mean as a women –

• you lead in a nonassertive way,
• you are hyper- aware of everyone’s reaction to you,
• you do not want to offend anyone
• you must balance being sure you are a strong leader but always likable – always nice.

It is the same dilemma America Ferrera spoke about so eloquently in the Barbie movie-

“We always have to be extraordinary but somehow, we are doing it wrong.  Always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.”

The Specific Challenge for Women Nonprofit Leaders

Leadership challenges are particularly pronounced for women, as across cultures women and girls are socialized to think of themselves in relation to others.

When women believe they need to have their actions governed by what others want or need, and therefore feel they cannot be their full, authentic selves, exercising leadership is challenging.

Just like in Barbie, a woman, it seems, is never just right.

When a woman gets feedback that they are too warm, too friendly and approachable, their ability to lead is questioned. “Everyone likes you — just people don’t think you have what it takes.” They are talking about a perception of strength.

And then a woman is seen as strong, who asserts herself, who lobbies for things, will often be told that while she has what it takes to lead, she needs to tone it down lest she ruffle too many feathers.

A woman leader just cannot win.  It is a fantasy middle ground – how can one behave in a way where your strength shines while being perceived as someone who can work with others?

The Mixed Message of Authentic Leadership

We’re also living in a moment where there is this premium placed on authenticity and authentic leadership.

But if women keep hearing that however they show up is the wrong way to display leadership, then they cannot possibly show up authentically as themselves.

When all the other markers of identity — race and ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability —are considered, it becomes even more impossible.

How can one be authentic if one is judged through the lens of societal expectations of how a women should act?

It takes a strong sense of self to find your own voice and feel comfortable to express yourself despite societal expectations.

 You want to be open to feedback but parse those messages through your internal moral compass.

But none of us are immune to judgement and in all honesty, we want to be liked and understood and most of all valued for who we are in, in all our complexity.

• We have a clear sense of mission and the best way to achieve a goal and also want to get widespread buy- in to our vision.
• We want to set clear expectations for our staff while remaining open to their individual gifts and challenges each present.
• We want to be able to ask for assistance without judgement on our capability.
• We want to allow our strengths to shine without fear of how our ability somehow threatens others.

We can only get there if we examine our own stereotypical understanding of what a women leader acts like.

As we lift up women leaders, we can change the narrative of what an authentic effective women leader looks like.

We have a long way to go.